return to bliss

Aaaaaahhhh. Return to perfect bliss.

Long walk. Tea with the newspaper and the radio. Noon comes. For no reason than that I can, orange juice and patron. Yep. Followed by a short nap.

Short walk while Chocolate relieves himself for the evening. Short phone call. Off to Enriques for an authentic Mexican meal. Mmmmmmm.

Come home, putter around. Turn on the sauna. It took thirty minutes to work up to a steady sweat. Thirty more minutes of drenching sweat while I read bell hook's Wounds of Passion. Getting inspired. She shares the story of her writing life, her connection to the divine, her search for a path beyond organized religion and the final choice to live a life in love. She writes of the experience of being female, of being black of being black and female and educated and a seeker and sexual, feminist and straight and the struggle to reconcile it all.

The evening ends with a shower. Exfoliate with the new scrub my honey bought me and then slather on the body butter.

The experience of loving myself. What a gift, a blessing, to be able to tend to me fully and completely, to cherish my body, soul and spirit with pampering.

A perfect way to end the holiday season indulgences.

Tomorrow morning begin again the three mile walks, the regular sauna sessions, the planned meals of wholesome not-so-fattening foods.

a lense

I write to see. Sometimes I forget that.

I lost my focus. Couldn't make out the signs. Wandering. Aimless.

Thank goodness. I've stumbled back on the path. Turns out having to complete online traffic school was a blessing.

I got it in just before the deadline. Seven months after the citation. And I finish it 23 hours before it's due.

Winter break is at the end of its 2nd day. Time, space, breathing...reading.

The pleasure of time to read Bell Hooks--Wounds of Passion. Writing, for me, is not passion.

I just write to focus in, to see.
The world's been blurry.

2010

It's not even Thanksgiving yet, but why not start looking at what fabulous plans can be made for 2010. I went online to register for a creative writing course at the local college.

How crazily busy I've been this fall. Such a far cry from who I used to be, the little I used to get done. If you don't know, I really lived like the quintessential loner. A few close friends. Not too many engagements. Lots of time reading, contemplating, and, of course, a few favorite television shows.

Just recently, I began to accept that my life isn't changing back to the slower pace I used to embrace, revel in and hold sacred. My time was so precious to me. Not the kind of precious that leads to active living and loving. More like the kind of precious that has you guard, protect and enjoy as observer rather than participant.

Over the past year I've been busier and busier. Sometimes I'll tell myself, "I'm just going to continue this pace until..." and then, presumably, go back to that more restful state where I value time alone above all else.

I still love time to think and contemplate. I just don't love it more than time doing and being in action around what matters to me. How I loathed anything that interfered too consistently with my long evening walks. Now, I take them each day with Chocolate. More times than not I'm talking as well. So different. So lived. So wonderful.

This afternoon I was in between calls and a cousin from Texas rang. He wanted help with an algebra problem that he was helping his girlfriend solve. That was fun.

There's so much living to do. I still love time alone, time to contemplate and time to allow my body to regenerate itself. I just no longer love it MORE THAN all there is to do in life.

Writing classes.
Writing.
More healing classes.
Healing and sharing healing in classes I teach.
Loving my lover.
Cooking. Experimenting with cooking.
Drinking wine and enjoying it leisurely.
Time in my infrared sauna. Oooh-la-la, sweet healing heat.
Playing with my dog, Chocolate. Walking chocolate and enjoying the scenes.
Talking to my family, talking to friends.
Talking.
Listening.
Hearing the world. Hearing others.

Hearing, Healing
Talking, Listing

Writing.

Winter Wind's Kiss

A cloudy evening walk with Chocolate through the neighborhood. As usual, I was also on the phone. As usual, talking with my buddy Gilbert.

"I have to stop. I can't move. I have to just be with something right now. Something's calling me."

I stood at the corner of a nearby street transfixed by the path. I stared down the sidewalk. There was no one walking, no cars driving. The only movement were leaves. The wind gently but with great intention, blew through them. It reminded me of scenes shown over and over and over during a particularly bad hurricane. e

The trees weren't bent over and the sound of rustling more melodic than foreboding. It only seemed alarming because of the contrast to five months of stillness.

It was winter wind's first hello. I had to stop and experience it, enjoy it. The light gray sky was a perfect nondescript background to winter whispering its coming.

Flashes of cold walks, falling rain and long, cozy evenings came over me.

All lovers should greet with such a captivating kiss.

Roots: ling qi, reiki

I love research. I like discovering what others take for granted. More so, I enjoy finding the overlooked connections that explain what others have glossed over in an attempt to avoid uncomfortable uncertainty.

Ready to take on Reiki as an enterprise, I've been diving into it for a thorough understanding. There's a spiritual element to it. What's that about? When I tell a Christian that Reiki is a complement to any faith or no faith, I need to know what allows me to say so.

Without too much effort, I've learned that Reiki came to Japan via China and that it is most likely related to ling qi. In fact, I'm very comfortable asserting that this is highly probable.

So then, how did the Chinese get it? I love Ecclesiastes' refrain that there is "nothing new under the sun". So then, what was reiki before it was ling qi? Of course, there are many who point to the Egyptians. Yummy. More research.

photo shot

The last classroom for my photography class was last night. In a little over a week, we'll have a show night. A collection of 35 to 45 of each students top shots will be organized and set to music. We can invite friends and family and it turns into a party at the studio.

I'm not so excited about my shots. I know what I could shoot. And I see what I have shot. There's nothing wrong with my photos. They just aren't spectacular.

Tonight, I went out with camera, determined to capture some amazing stuff before the final deadline of Friday. Determination wasn't enough. I got a few lovely shots.

Tomorrow, at it again.

The universe at work

Today ends 30 days of daily blogging. How delicious it has been.

I've learned that I really can make time to write each day and that my writing doesn't have to be great to be worth doing.

As the universe would have it, a confluence of circumdtances has me ready to take on writing my novel again. To just do it.

Yesterday's post, the write-up on why I took the The Landmark Forum--wanting to write my novel.

Lat night, I was reading more of The Shack and came upon the lines where God emphasizes that we can do anything standing inside our being part of Him, as co-creators.

Then tonight, listening to the same person who lead my Advanced Course in January. It was there that I created the possibility of being Creativity Powerfully Expressed.

It's time to be that.

My Results

No, not from any medical tests. And not from any kind of entrance exam for yet another degree.

Tonight, I completed a write-up on what I got from my participation in The Introduction Leaders Program. It'll be posted, along with a photo, in the Landmark Education's Newport Beach Center where I've taken a bunch of classes.

I've decided to share it here. Much of it is a re-working of things shared on this blog previously, but it pulls it all together.

Here it is:

A little about me
I teach law, government and economics to high school seniors. I love learning and love being an educator. I adore my Chihuahua, Chocolate, and can’t imagine life without international travel. I’m a Reiki Master/Teacher and an author.

Why I signed up for the Introduction Leaders Program
When I signed up for The Landmark Forum in August 2008, I was looking for a breakthrough in writing a novel and in creating a relationship. What I got was a breakthrough in creating ease and fun in my work as an educator and immense peace of mind. The benefits of The Landmark Forum were great, but I still wanted more. After my Advanced Course, my identity as a loner was falling away, but I still wanted more. The Introduction Leader Program’s promises of Full-Blown Self Expression and Remarkable Contribution appealed to me.

What I got
Between the distinctions covered in the classroom and my experiences assisting at Introductions to The Landmark Forum, I got the promise of Remarkable Contribution. Through assisting friends, family and strangers in registering themselves into The Landmark Forum, I discovered that I stand for love, joy and balance being present in the lives of everyone I know and meet. I began to experience instant relatedness with anyone and everyone. My teaching transformed. I became more related to my students and took on leaving them empowered and present to their own greatness. The quality and initiative in the projects they produced took off.

As a stand for the experience of love and joy, I also got Full-Blown Self Expression. Before the Introduction Leaders Program, I kept the benefits of reiki and energy healing to myself. I didn’t want anyone to think I was weird or silly for promoting energetic balance as a tool for health maintenance. Never mind my own results or what I knew to be possible, before the Introduction Leaders Program I’d only taught reiki to my mom and one friend. Now that I’m unconstrained in sharing myself and what matters to me, I’ve taught it to half my family and nearly all my friends. During the program I declared my commitment to empowering 100 people to take charge of their health through energetic balance before 2009 ends. It is now my business.

As for the results I was looking for in The Landmark Forum…I created the outline to that novel during the program’s first weekend. Come to think of it, that was the same weekend I began the relationship I was looking for when I registered into The Landmark Forum!

Personal transformation manifested for me in every area The Introduction Leaders Program promised. What I got is exactly what I was looking for…and more.


Robin Davis Fesseha

...nothing

sometimes the best thing to say is nothing

So Cal Day

We started the day with coffee at Starbucks. Then to Malibu for a 2pm rendezvous at The Getty Villa.

Arriving over an hour early, Steve and I drove further up the coast. Steve was first to spot the thousands of flags planted at the base of Pepperdine University. It was a memorial to the victims of 9/11. While most of the flags were American, there were flags of other nations to represent the citizenship of all the victims.


I don't doubt that there are still memorial services held in Hawaii's Pearl Harbor on December 7th. On the mainland, however, the day passes without much thought. Perhaps an article buried in the middle of the newspaper at the bottom of the page. Or, more likely, a photograph and caption showing flowers placed at Veteran's Hospital in recognition of the "Day that will live in infamy".

Ten years from now, will there still be a collective memory of 9/11? Either way, there will likely still be a war on terror.

A WAR on terror.

Is that like hating intolerance or killing murderers?

Still Enjoying Fall's Arrival

This morning, when I opened the kitchen shutters onto the small deck, there were clouds in the sky and a faint wetness on the wood. Soon enough I'll open the shutters and see full blown rain bathing the wood and plants. I can hardly wait for winter.

This afternoon, I walked out onto the small deck and sat in the papasan chair. It was warm and sunny. Chocolate sniffed at the air, smelling which friends were out walking. I sipped my chai with a barely read newspaper at my side.

This evening, when I moved the kitchen shutters and stepped out onto the small deck to water the plants, I remembered that this is the time of year to order solar Christmas lights if I want to have them here by December.

Three years ago I balked at $100 for solar lights. Five years from now they'll have paid for themselves. Makes sense to use the sun's light to celebrate the end of shorter days and the coming of The Light.


_________

I missed my post last night. The second glitch in my plan to blog for 30 days. I had such a full day. It was the Friday of the first week of school. After wards to the airport for a pick-up and then straight to class. The last classroom for an intense course on leadership that I've benefited from greatly. It was an ending. From there twenty steps to a different classroom where I am now coaching participants who have just started the same course I that night completed. It was 10:40pm and I knew I wouldn't be home by midnight. Committed to not missing a day, I blogged from my phone. Not an Iphone. Not a Blackberry, either. I've had a Palm for years and years and now have a Centro. I guess I shouldn't make it their fault that I couldn't get my post to post. All I know is that I pressed publish but nothing showed up and there's no draft to be found anywhere. I've decided to be OK with knowing that I did in fact blog yesterday, but that I nonetheless have an interrupted 30 days of posting.

Commi

Carried Away

"He had already been perched precariously on the precipice of emotion..." The Shack, WM. Paul Young.

I am beginning to recognize the work of certain muses. There is a zone that writer's enter into, swept in by a story, thought or idea. Until now, I thought we entered alone into this other dimension where words dance and play and dare.

Now, I know that we are escorted there by unseen helpers. Authors from the other side, perhaps. What I know is that when I got to a certain set of pages in The Shack, I recognized the zone, recognized the writing.

I'm not saying it's better than sex, I'm just saying that it is quite the magical ride and rollercoaster when the writing takes over and the words dance you.

Perched precariously on the precipice of emotion.

Access to Healing

I'm working my way to 100. This afternoon, one of my aunt's came over to receive reiki.

What a difference it makes when we commit to something, declare it. The more often I share with friends, family and acquaintances alike that I'm committed to offering reiki as a tool for self-healing to 100 people before the year 2009 ends, the more action I take.

On the walk we enjoyed together last Saturday, my aunt shared the pain she's been in due to arthritis. The pain is so intense that it interferes with sleep. As soon as she shared her ongoing pain and discomfort, I suggested reiki. She knew that a cousin and my mother had received health benefits after I shared it with them. Plus, there was a Thanksgiving afternoon when I applied reiki energy to her back and it made it a difference. She didn't need a lot of convincing.

Today she came over after work. It was my only free evening and I was glad to do it.

Each time I do an attunement, I share the benefits I received from my own work with reiki. And each time, I am reminded of the potential to alter the experience others have of their lives.

More power, peace, health and balance.

The Flow of Energy

I've been sensitive to energy for as long as I can remember. Things feel a certain way right off the bat--comfortable, chaotic, eerie, relaxing, intense or whatever. The cause isn't always obvious, but I definitely pick up the vibes of people, places and things. Not just the things themselves but their placement and synergy.
We're in a new home, a new campus just thrown together in the last year specifically for us--fourteen teachers another eight staff and three hundred students.

I'm in a new classroom. Over the years, I've moved into several new classrooms. Such a small school as ours is picked up and moved a bit too conveniently. The expectation is that our school has finally landed a semi-permanent home which is a step up from the temporary varieties we've shuffled in and out of over the last eight years.

With each new classroom is a new opportunity to create an idyllic space. Idyllic is different for every teacher. For me, it includes clouds and Caribbean scenes blending into the posted visual aids, announcements, maps and message posters. I've even put up clouds filtering florescent lights.

With each new classroom there is a new challenge to create a space where energy flows. Shamelessly, I'll admit that not only do I consult feng shui principles, but I rely most heavily on Feng Shui for Dummies. May sound a little cheesy, but it seems to enhance my sense of peace.

Sometimes it seems a little silly to spend so much time adhering to principles I don't claim to fully understand or believe. Yet, being sensitive to energy, I have found that using the tips and hints helps me find my sweet spot.

Where on earth is the best position for my desk. Not in front of the air conditioner vent. Not too close to the many student computer drops and all their electromagnetic emissions. Certainly not directly in the path of the doorway nor in any position that doesn't give me direct sight to the door. My back can't be toward the students or a large looming window. And that's just the desk.


After more than six days setting up bookcases, computers, odds, ends, media and so on, I found it, my sweet spot.

I know I've found it when I glance around the room with a few nods of satisfaction followed by a deep, lingering inhale and exhale. Bliss! The energy flows.

When my wooden desk, the students desks, posters, bookcases, computers, microwave, refrigerator, videos, crystals, coat rack, bulletin board and every little thing are placed just so, I sense energy flowing circularly through the room at a gentle, steady pace.

At 2:20pm, I felt that. At 2:22pm, I went to the office to pick up my classroom keys for the next school year. It was now MY room.

Tomorrow the students arrive. It'll still be MY room. I'll welcome them into OUR oasis of discovery and conversation.

Just figured out why I love teaching.

The flow of energy in my classroom is an invisible animate creature that coaxes the best out of me and my students.

All day I have the pleasure of dancing with energy. Each class, each unique combination of students assembled creates their own harmony of voices, thoughts, blues, bliss and hues. I move in and out of their concerns, their interests, their needs and their potential.

The flow of energy inspires bliss...daily.

Tomorrow...no longer a day away

Twelve hours from now, I'll be back in my classroom. There will be no students until 35 hours from now.

Twelve hours from now, I'll have seen nearly all the teachers I last saw three months ago and see again the handful who've been on campus same time as me to get their classrooms ready.

Twelve short hours from now the traditional calendar 2009-10 school year officially begins.

Twelve minutes from now I'll be toasting the beginning of a fall that promises more wonder, surprise and fulfillment than I can imagine.

Fall Leaves

It is officially fall. Fall leaves are all around. Seems a little early. Only September 6th?

This is my 2nd fall with Chocolate.

Falling in love with Chocolate all over again.

Pleasure in the Mundane

There are some days, at the end of which, you feel delighted and proud. This is one of those days. There was pleasure in the entire experience, each moment.

The day was filled with extraordinary events that are extra ordinary in nature. Among my favorites was the choice to spend $5 on a chai tea and enjoy the newspaper outdoors sitting on a couch during the noon hour. It was warm, peaceful. Like being god of my world and ordering up the perfect temperature, interesting news stories, perfect soy chai, right amount of shade, minimum distractions and a clean, comfy couch to enjoy it all on. It wasn't my seat at the outer table on Provo island (the scene pictured at left on blog, but it felt just as idealic.

Then there was the cleaning of the washing machine and dryer. Since when is that fun or interesting? It was. The freedom to care enough, to have time enough and to know with great certainty that the wiping away of dust and gunk has a qualitative impact on the quality of my life. Really! The difference it makes to our subconscious whether our dirty clothes are plopped into an unclean or pristine washing machine. I even moved the wipe in and out of the hard-to-reach crevice where the lid rotates up and down. It was an exhibition of personal power and celebration of my freedom to create the context of my world.

Too drunk on delight? I think it has to do with the fact that school starts next week. Teachers back on Tuesday, kids back on Wednesday. This is the final weekend of a carefree summer. My last Saturday that isn't sandwiched between working Friday and Monday for some time. That's a large part of what made wiping down every nook and cranny of the washing machine such a joy.

Not one singularly spectacular event or achievement all day. Instead, an entire day of perfect peace because I chose each activity in each moment, including the choice to find it profoundly enjoyable.

I'm nearing the end of days that are entirely of my choosing. How'd I spend one of the precious few that remain?

8:30am Walk Chocolate
9:05am Meet my sister and aunt at my Mom's
The four of us walk at a regional park and then sit around and talk a while.
11:00am Go to bank and pick-up some cash. Wait in a line while listening to music.
11:20am Order a chai tea at Starbucks and sit on an outdoor couch in the shade reading the newspaper
Noon Call an old friend and catch up, still outdoors in the shade
1:00pm Coaching call to one of my four coach-ees.
2:00pm Leisurely, thorough cleaning around the house.
5:30pm Walk Chocolate
6:15pm Clean decks, water plants
8:00pm Get in Sauna. Inside, read a little of both Shock Syndrome and The Shack
9:00pm Talk with sis
9:30pm Talk with sweetheart
10:30pm Snack
11:00pm Blog

I'm sure starting the day with a walk with family around one of my favorite parks help set the tone. I can't remember the last time we all got together for a casual walk and talk. Four females sitting in peace and comfort content to hear what was on the minds of each. More love. A day seeded with love has to sprout magical moments.

Even I, fan of bliss that I am, end the day bewildered by the excess.

Empowerment

Back in 1994, I read that year's edition of What Color is Your Parachute (Bolles). I did each of the exercises, plus the bonus points for actually creating a flower of my ideal career: Empowerment.

The funny and slightly disappointing aspect was that while it was clear I wanted to create and edit materials that I used to supplement my speaking about empowerment, the topic, the vehicle, was missing. No area was identified. It wasn't empowerment through medicine, or education or nutrition or financial freedom. Just empowerment! All kinds of people, all ages, all types of background.

Between my experience with my first paid reiki attunement and a conversation with someone I'm coaching this morning, I figured out that what has me prefer giving attunements over doing healing sessions, is that I seek to empower more than heal. I want others to have the ability to balance their own energy, to stop an unnecessary ache and so on. It's my goal that each person who receives an attunement from me is able to take greater charge of their health and their circumstances.

When I think of it as just about giving attunements, or "selling" reiki, I am not as motivated. I got no interest in selling anything. None. But when I remember that my motivation is empowerment, I get inspired.

I declared last month that I intend to cause 100 attunements by the time 2009 ends. I've got a lot to do to make that happen. When I think of doing 100 or selling 100, little action is taken.

When I think of empowering 100 people to take charge of their health, I make things happen.

I am empowered.

reading and writing, wondering and living

In search of something, anything to write on day 18 of 30 days of daily blogging, I visually scanned titles on six book cases that line the walls of my "pink room" aka my "study" or my guest room. The fiction totals about five of twenty-six shelves. From Dostoevsky to McMillan (How Stella Got Her Groove Back). More than half the fiction is the result of college or post-graduate reading lists or super-cheap classics. The non-fiction ranges from religion to astrology, feng shui to cooking, finances to relationships, self-help to philosophy. Surely, something there, some insight, some treasure. I just need a little inspiration!

I've never contemplated all the words, the ideas, the lies and the stories I've exposed myself to over the years. That it informs what I believe. Just as it opens me to worlds, imaginings and avenues of action, it also, inadvertently, creates unacknowledged, imperceptible limits on my imaginings.

Which makes me wonder about the written books I haven't read. All the ideas I know nothing about and the lies and the stories that are alien to my view. In some cases I've spared myself, in others I've denied myself something delicious, inviting or enhancing.

Then there are all the conversations, the tales, the advice and admonitions. All the spoken words from people, from television, from radio, from eavesdropping, from being soothed.

Woven together from all that I've read, all that I've heard, is a unique filter coloring how I see and experience my world.


All those things no one ever told me, no one ever shared. Bad advice I've been denied the pleasure of ignoring and good advice that isn't adding more variety, spice, joy or love to my life.

It's worth considering that our world is built from the blocks of what we see and hear, what we read and listen. And after all that consideration, in the end...I have the books I have. I heard the things I've heard. I've lived the life I've lived.

And all that I've read and heard and lived tells me I can create whatever I want tomorrow.

I'm creating adventure.
Funny, I don't own a lot of lot adventure books. I lived it, but rarely taken time to read someone else's version of it.

Why?

Why do we seek purpose in our lives?
Why does life seem so real?
Why does life seem like a dream sometimes?
Why don't we know all the answers?
Why don't we know if there are aliens or not?
Why do we die?
Why do we question existence?
Why are we all different?
If God exists, why doesn't He make it plain and just say so?
Why do we have the same concerns and issues?
Why does it matter?
Why do we want something else when we get what we want?


"Why are there no answers to all the why questions in life?"

--The young woman I attuned this evening was full of questions and was so fun about it. The last question is the last question she playfully asked.

Reflecting Light

"You can't see light, unless it hits something."

That's what our instructor said in photography class. I'd never thought about it before, not that way. It's true. The spectrum of light is only made visible when it bounces off particles in the air or physical objects.

You can't capture it really, either. It moves and it hits something and we see it, recognize both it and whatever reflects its glory.

Makes me think of the value and function of human beings, mountains, seas and every glorious thing in our world. We can only see it in relation to how the light interacts with it.

How does the light interact with you? What is made visible? What stays in the shadows or casts shadows?

I reflect God's light. It lands on me and bounces out into the world. Radiant!

Other times, I've been caught sucking God's light in like a black hole and not allowing anything to come out. Black holes serve some function we don't understand.

More and more, I let God's light hit me so that others may see.

A life of choices

A few hours ago I ran into one of my cousins. I gave her Reiki I and II attunements a little over a month ago. She'd suffered back pains and was not doing well with the painkillers.

She was happier than last time I saw her. "How's your back?" She went on to say that while it was better she was still dealing with it. I suggested she spend some time each day doing the self-treatments. "I do feel much better when I do it!"

The problem is making the time to do it. I know this myself. Just this morning I suffered a sinus headache trying to morph into a migraine and reached for the pills. For the last couple days I've known I needed to make time for self-treatment.

No wonder this healing art was lost. We don't make time for what works. We wait until there's a problem instead of practicing prevention.

How many Americans only integrate responsible diet and exercise into their daily lives after the diabetes diagnosis.

Tons of books explore a very simple truth. Our lives are made up a million minor choices.

Tomorrow morning, I'm doing reiki! And I'm not having more than a little piece of chocolate before I go to bed, either.

Love

My post on fasting a few days ago generated several great conversations with friends. One of them decided to join the fun. He fasted this weekend. Funny thing about his fast, though. His fast was about adding something into his weekend rather than taking something out. He fasted love, the word love. His fast was to say love as often as he could throughout the weekend.

I'd never heard of a fast that lived in increasing some behavior. But if anyone could pull such a feat off, such a fast, it was him!

Over the last few years we've joked about my fasting. When I fast, he reaps blessings. I go a few days without eating and he suddenly gets some new understanding about something that's puzzled him for years, even decades. Or I fast 12 hours without telling him and he can't figure out why all of a sudden people who've been out of touch are all calling on the same day.

He had this phenomenon in mind when he "fasted" the word love. He wanted to see what I'd get out of his love fast.

What I got was a greater conscious awareness of loving others in my life. In particular, I'd been resisting the notion of being "in love". Why did I resist? I don't know. Scared, mostly. Making it mean something more than what it is. It's an experience of another person. That's all. I saw it as a gateway to the beginning of the end of a relationship.

Love is the experience of connecting with and intimately knowing the divine nature of another human being. I felt that this weekend.

Love fast.
Fast Love.

Perfect imperfection...

It was to be 30 days of blogging.

And then a busy weekend, solidly scheduled tested my discipline, my planning.

My phone wouldn't let me access the login, constantly asking me, over and over and over, if I wanted to allow the page even though the security information wasn't current. I said yes, but my phone didn't agree.

At 10:30pm, I wasn't able to access the blog.

At 11:20pm, I'm home. Only I'm busy trying to attend to the needs of another.

And when it's all said and done, the clock says 12:09am. Saturday has come and gone.

There will not be 30 days straight unless I start over.

I might. I'll decide tomorrow.

Good night.

Old recipes with Love

This year is the year of reinventing Rahbin. True, it's lifelong, ongoing and incessant, but last year and the view of this one coming are immeasurably new and exciting. Along with taking on photography and reiki as a business, I'm also exploring my creative expression through cooking.

A few weeks ago, I was struggling to come up with something different to cook for my sweetheart and I before a class. Having lived on my own for so long, I fell into the lazy habit of making healthful, affordable choices at eateries or relying on processed food warmed up. After combing through old memories of meals I'd made in the past, I remembered a recipe for a simple curry-flavored dish of ground beef and vegetables over rice.

The recipe comes from an old paper recipe book of my mother's, held together by three wire pieces that resemble stapes, but are circular. How I loved the recipe for bean soup as a child. I called my mom and she gladly read the recipe for kima (keema) over the phone. It was delicious and well received.

When I asked to borrow it for copying, there was hesitation. The pages are brown and some are on the way to crumbling in the hands. I promised to be gentle.

This morning, I took the pages to a local office supply store and made two sets of copies. It seemed logical to give my mom a more usable copy as well.

So...now I'm cooking, taking photographs and sharing reiki.

A reinvented Rahbin!

Midlife is fabulous!

Commitment to Heal

MasterRabin is a word play on both my desire to master me as well as being a Reiki Master. It's been years in the making, but I'm finally ready to be an active, teaching Reiki Master. I've committed to enabling at least 100 individuals to turn on their innate healing power before 2009 ends.

The seed was planted five months ago when I realized a woman I see regularly at my local coffee shop would benefit from an attunement. Until then I'd only attuned my mom and one friend. Even though I've experienced immense personal benefit from the balancing effects of the reiki energy healing method, I was keeping it all to myself.

I've been going to this same coffee shop for the last five or six years. Sometimes I go in a couple times a week, other times only once or twice a month. Over the years I've noticed times when she's more happy and less happy, more enthused and less enthused and physically more healthy and other times less healthy. On that day five months ago, I knew in my heart that I'd made some promise in eternity, a vow before getting here from heaven, to offer her reiki.

It's been five months in the making, but I'm now ready to fulfill on that soul agreement.

Over a year ago, I gave my first Reiki attunement to a friend, Abby. She's a licensed massage therapist, acupunturist and herbal medicine healer. We bartered. I gave her Reiki I and II and she gave me a series of acupuncture treatments. She shared some of the benefits she noticed, including an enhancement when treating clients with massage and acupuncture. I began to realize my own benefits were not a fluke.

Months later, I gave my Mom Reiki I. More months, then reiki II. She too has reported a series of benefits, including lower blood pressure.

And that was all. Months passed without sharing it with anyone else.

In April, Abby suggests I call a guy who wants to barter his fashion consulting for reiki. We made arrangements. He somehow remained charming and tactful while being brutally honest. When all was said and done, 1/3 of my browns, blacks and tents were missing. In exchange he became a reiki master. He was my first.

And then I was on a roll. I turned on the healing power of my sister, a cousin, a former coach, a friend, my sweetheart, another friend and so on. All the while it was becoming clearer that I wanted to do more of this, needed to do more of this.

On July 26th, I declared myself in business, but have so far only accepted one paying client. And, I haven't even accepted the actual payment yet. I've agreed to be paid.

Today, I took a major step in truly stepping into what I declared as the newest aspect to my life's work. I am a healer. Truthfully, I am a gifted healer. It runs in my veins, inherited. I'm certain of this. The series of books I wanted to write on Luzca are in part about owning this truth.

No time for home-made chai this morning, I stopped by my local coffee shop before heading off to scope out used classroom furniture from the district warehouse. Several of us from my high school planned to meet there right at 9am when the doors opened with a new shipment. My students now have a nice wooden coat rack for their wet jackets in winter.

As soon as I walked in three familiar faces greeted me with warm smiles and hellos. As fate would have it, there were no customers behind me. Rare! Very rare! This place is always busy.

I recognized the set-up. Either walk through the door I've stared through for five months or let it close, walk away.

If there were any doubts about it being an opening, an opportunity, the young lady who inspired my desire to share reiki inquires with great interest and enthusiasm into what's new for me this summer. Not the polite kind of "what's new?", but the general interest that reeks of winking angels daring me to fess up.

As soon as the question left her lips, time and space expanded. For a coffee shop at 9am, it suddenly seemed particularly still and quiet. In the two second eternity it took me to muster the courage to answer forthrightly, I chose crossing through the threshold. I knew that if I did not mention reiki, if I did not own up to what I created, I'd have one more experience of knowing myself as a flake, as someone who shirks, as someone who was too scared, too timid to contribute powerfully to another human being and make a difference in her life.

I told her about reiki. I did not tell her that she was the inspiration for my choice to create a business around sharing reiki or that at that I practiced on a dozen others before acquiring the confidence to offer it to her. I did tell her that I knew she'd benefit and that I wanted to give it to her as a gift.

I walked through the door. I know myself as someone who is committed to enabling others to live balanced, healthy lives. I shared the benefits I'd received and those received by others I personally attuned over the last few months.

Then there was momentum. I told her that my services were free, but that I'd gladly accept paying referrals later if she benefited and wanted to share it. It's so huge that I was clear with myself and with her that I'm creating this as a business. Living my commitments out loud.

Ten minutes later I called to schedule the first client for which I'll be paid. It's quite a breakthrough in valuing what I have to contribute to others.

Light of The Morning After

It's only natural for an artist to explore different mediums. Everyone's an artist. Everyone's exploring different mediums.


Yesterday I attended the first of a six session photography class. A college sweetheart had dabbled in photography and taken me into the dark room for processing. That was my first exposure.

There was one photo he'd taken of me smiling at him from his bed. I was fully dressed! It wasn't the Mona Lisa, but he had captured a mood, a smirk and a look of love. That was when I first recognized that the artistry of photography was available to anyone who took an interest in the subject. Expertise increases the odds, but the art is in the eyes. Anyone, everyone can be an artist!

I was nearly forty before I owned the artist in me. I'd written a book, attempted decoration, painted my home's interior, created jewelry and perfected the delivery of lectures to high school seniors...but I didn't consider myself an artist until a housekeeper came in, walked around a bit and offered an out loud observation of the obvious, "So you're an artist?".

Yesterday, this artist took her first photography class. This morning, as I headed off with Chocolate on our morning walk, the haze created as light plays off tiny particles in the air caught my eye. I've always taken moments to marvel at light. Today, the morning after, I ran back for my camera.

When you own being an artist, there's freedom to see what others don't, to marvel at it, and attempt to recreate it. Makes me acknowledge that all artistry is a testament to the divine, an effort to mix our creativity with God's in homage to magic.



I wouldn't submit this shot to photo world magazine for technical merits, but I share it here because I saw myself as an artist, as someone attempting to capture a moment marveling at the divine.

We are all artists. Chefs are artists. Most housewives, too. The usual suspects are painters, sculptors, musicians, graphic artists, photographers, authors, journalists, decorators, speakers, and so on. We forget about electricians, plumbers, salespeople, nurses, doctors and all the other professions whose members' products or performances incorporate artistry in less appreciated ways. There are electricians who take pride in how the finished product, the wires, the connections, the conduits, flow, look and function. There's artistry in efficiency, too. There's artistry in conversation. There's even artistry in bad art, whatever the medium.

We are all paying homage to the Light!

Photography Class

Just got back from my first photography class. I didn't want to go. I've got too much to do already! And then I went. And it was fabulous. Expect to see more pics posted.

He's been called an avatar, a guardian soul and a companion bar none. My calm, blonde chihuahua named Chocolate has been teaching me how to accommodate and to love without regard to my moods, d'ruthers, philosophical notions or momentary insights.

Pure, simple
love.

Movies that Moved Me

I've got a long and wonderful day ahead of me tomorrow starting with a breakfast date with a cousin at 8am and then leaving at 10:15am with my sweetie for an event in Santa Barbara. Just in case I don't get a moment before Sunday becomes Monday, I'm posting before Saturday is barely noticed as gone.

I'm cross-breeding facebook notes with blog entries. The same friend that passed along the query of 15 favorite books has now inquired into 15 favorite movies.

Loving movies more than books, I hated stopping at 15. Taking liberties, I didn't.

1. The Godfather I
2. The Godfather III (ok, Godfather II, too, but I and III deserved distinct entries)
3. Training Day
4. Desperado (saw this one in the theater 8 or 9 times)
5. Phantom of the Opera
6. Very Bad Things
7. Requiem for a Dream
8. Contact
9. Matrix (just the first one)
10. Notes on a Scandal
11. Chicago (I know...something about it, though)
12. The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
13. The Dark Knight
14. Pirates of the Caribbean (1st and 3rd, especially)
15. The French Lieutenant's Woman

That list spilled out until I got to #15. Then I got stuck wanting to make the official last entry count. Others that came to mind:
Blue Velvet
American Beauty
2001: Space Odyssey
Bourne Ultimatum
Dr. Strangelove
Transformers
Blackhawk Down (?)
Kramer vs. Kramer

mmmm mmmm movies

I prefer action, dark comedy, vengeance and drama. Testament that I am created in my Father's image.

Writings of my Father

My love of words to explore worlds is genetic. Paternal aunts, uncles and cousins all create exquisite poetry, musings and stories.

Had my father lived into the 21st century, no doubt he'd have a well-followed blog. To remember the year he died, I always have to first remember the year I got married. 1995? Graduating law school, meeting my ex-husband and introducing my then fiance to my dying father during his last day's in the hospital all happened within a year's time. December 1994 to 1996 was a period of significant transition.

I remember getting a phone call from my Aunt Mildred, "Robin, your father expired..." Inspire, expire, breathe in, breathe out, live, die, create, destroyed. Here, gone.

He was such an incredible man. He loved to philosophize about the occurences that make up what we call our lives.

I remember going to my Grandmother's home on the eve of the funeral. Everyone was passing around his journals, enjoying his commentary, letters and thoughts. These were collected and typed and distributed by my Uncle Therman so that the entire family would have a piece of "Bubba" to read and remember him by.

I still have the originals as well as my copies. Better than treasure.

One cousin, Jaha, shared a particularly special and close relationship with him and remains moved by the spirit of my father. She's posted several pieces from the collection on her blog at jahasworld.blogspot.com/. Put "from Bubba's journal" in the search box at the top of her blog to see the resemblance.

For ease...here are a couple:
History
Prayer
I'm a problem-solver if nothing else
Letter to a Woman--a taste of my father's "character"

The Flow....When you know

Happy B-Day to me. I'm off to have dinner with my sweetheart. I know, I know. 30 posts, 30 days.

All I can make time to say today is that it's nice to be in the flow. I walked into a discount clothing store and scanned the blouses. A green and brown top called my name, practically yelled. I picked it up, gave it a few glances and sat it back down. It might work, but it might not.

As soon as I sat it down, something drew my hand right back to it. "Fine!" I said. It's $8.99 and I can always bring it back if it doesn't work. I put it on with matching pants and a scarf and voila!

It's a magical life.

Blessings to everyone.

Music Again

I'm enjoying The Police's "Don't Stand So Close To Me" for the first time in months. Hate that I had to give away my tickets to their reunion concert a couple years back. Although, considering there was no clamor for an extended or second tour, I guess it's just as well that I enjoy the oozing sexual tension from their digitized youth.

"You know how bad girls get..."

I'll probably play it five or six times before I move on to "De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da".** (Greatest Hits CD)

Two, ok maybe three years ago, I bought a mega-MP3 so I could store all my ancient music in one convenient place and ditch the five-CD changer that makes rather loud clicking sounds when it switches from one CD to the next. A few months ago the smaller version I take with me on my walks was dropped in mud or water, muddy water I suppose.

You know how some folks will go to the refrigerator every couple hours or so to see if there's anything good to eat? No one's gone shopping, nothing's been added or taken away, and yet there's a return every few hours to see if there's something newly appealing or interesting in there after all. And then on the third or fourth opening and closing, the sighs begin to get audible, maybe a curse word or two lamenting that nothing has magically appeared. I do that sometimes.

Over the last few months I've plugged in the small MP3, charged it up and tried to turn it on. I did it a couple months ago and again today. When charging didn't do much, I tried wiping off the lingering muddy water streaks. Kinda like trying to wash death out and life in or applying electric shock to a corpse days after death has visited and gone.

I haven't walked with music all summer and today was to be the day. Fall is in the air and four additional pounds on my body. I love walking at dusk when the sun makes its way further south during the fall. I take the winter off and then back out in the spring when the sun comes back to kiss the wet away.

Glorious incentive! I charged up the dusty new mega MP3, loaded the software, transferred the 557 musical files and four hours later I sit here disturbing the silence with my sing-alongs.

Feels so good to use what I've purchased, I'm planning to reload my router's software so that I can free myself from the data-ready phone line in the back room.

A perfect early fall evening...come home from work, walk chocolate, drop him back at home and then give myself an extended walk with music and then settle in at the desk surfing and writing...and disturbing the silence with my singing.

** my favorite lines from De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da
Poets, priests and politicians
Have words to thank for their positions
Words that scream for your submission
And no-one's jamming their transmission
And when their eloquence escapes you
Their logic ties you up and rapes you

Fasting

In all my postings about changing my relationship to relationships, I give credit to courses I've taken, energy healing and to my ability to manifest what matters to me. I've never mentioned fasting.

I love fasting! There was a short period in the late 90's when I belonged to a Church of God in Christ (COGIC). The pastor was a faster. Effectively! I'm impressed by results. And he looked great! Fasting was encouraged for both church and personal goals, spiritual and physical.

Fasting wasn't new to me. As a child, I'd watched Muslim family members observe Ramadan as well as fast periodically to cleanse the body. It wasn't a big stretch to take it on when Pastor Hill preached its virtues.

Back in 1999, my COGIC days, I once fasted for three days, having only water and a little juice or tea on the third day. The second day was rough, but the third day was fabulous. I was tired, but not fatigued; my mind was clear and my heart felt pure. Lovely!

Although I left COGIC, I continued to fast for both spiritual and material benefit. I remember fasting in 1999 for a condo I wanted to buy. It was perfect, 3 bedrooms, one a loft, high ceilings, huge deck and lots of natural light. I fasted and prayed and hoped and hoped, but also added that I only wanted it if it was God's Will and the right place.

My offer wasn't accepted. I took the next day off to recover from my crushed dream and called the realtor to see what had come up on the market in the three weeks I'd spent praying, fasting, hoping and waiting for the one that fell through. Three or four hours later we walked into this place I've now lived for ten years. I fell in love with it on sight. From that moment on, fasting has been a big part of my life. Yet, until now, I've not shared about it.

I've shared so much about Landmark Education, reiki, crystals and so on. The truth is that when I decided to create a committed relationship, I prayed about it and asked what kind of fasting would have me clear out the spiritual, mental and emotional debris that always gets in the way.

Oh yeah, a little detail...Sometimes a suggested fast finds it's way to my inner ear and I either say yeah or nay. Other times, I'll have an outcome in mind, a particular request, and I'll ask that inner voice what's recommended.

When I inquired internally for a fasting regimen to create the relationship I wanted, I heard 20 Mondays before my birthday. I don't remember when I prayed about the fasting recommendation or exactly when the answer came, but I know the first Monday was December 1, 2008. Glad I calendared it! The 20th Monday happened sometime in June. (They were generally midnight to midnight, but a few were 8am-8pm.)

In a conversation with a friend a few days ago, I shared that the stories of people, situations, movies and media are incredibly transparent for me of late. I mentioned again that while I have the converter box my Mom didn't need sitting in a closet ready to install, I haven't had a functioning television since they switched to digital in June. Haven't missed it much, either. "No wonder," he says, "you've fasted media and now you've got this gift of seeing things transparently."

I hadn't thought of it as "fasting" since it wasn't intentional or deliberate. That's happened before, though. I'll get super busy and not make time to eat and then decide to turn it into a fast. So, yes, let's make it a fast. I'll finally get satellite or something when the new school year starts, making the fast from television the entire summer break.

If you haven't fasted before, try it out. For me it goes hand-in-hand with prayer, but take it on however works for you. You feel better, your skin gets healthier and it enhances any weight loss activities.

What got me thinking about fasting this morning were thoughts of gifts, giving, finances and tithing. I'm fasting wasteful spending for my 43rd year. Ouch! That one's gonna hurt. I'll be spending the next couple days praying over exactly what that's going to look like.

The spiritual aspect is in unearthing and clearing out the hidden scripts and imperatives of which wasteful spending is a symptom. I can't wait.

**If there are any friends or family wondering why I didn't share about the 20 days of fasting sooner, it was simply because I was also fasting blabbing about it. There were times I wanted to share it, but it felt pretty clear that the instruction was to keep it to myself until it ended. It strikes me as peculiarly obedient that even though the actual fast was completed in June, the designated fasting period was until my birthday, and I was only moved to share about it now that the last Monday before my b-day has passed.

Obedience is highly underrated.

Intimacy

Yesterday I noted that I'd taken eight* courses within the past year through Landmark Education. I finished the eighth last night--Sex and Intimacy.

The best thing I got out of that class happened during an exercise in which we uncovered what was the most likely future in the area of sex and intimacy if we continued to what we've always done.

The vivid images that came to mind brought me freedom. In one, I was 65 and lived in the "downtown" area of a lazy town or small city. I owned a downstairs storefront, probably a bookstore, and made my home in the large loft above surrounded by books and tons of favorite things. I imagined myself walking over to a window to listen in on a conversation taking place below. My gentleman friend was engaged in a conversation with a passerby or customer. He was friendly, full of energy, vibrant. I knew him to be a doting, caring man.

As I looked below and gazed at him fondly, I thought, "Wow! He's such a nice man. I really like him. He's wonderful to have around...Too bad he's..."

There's always a "too bad...", followed by an exit.

The exercise in class continued, I next saw myself in my late 80's living in a senior community. A new guy. Once again, my thoughts were "He's great. So sweet and giving and kind...Too bad he doesn't..." My exit cue.

Suddenly, there was clarity. I'm like a baker who creates a perfect tiramisu but then gets focused in on how the cocoa didn't fall just right on the plate in some sort of clearly distinguishable and pleasing pattern. "Look at that, there's a wee bit more cocoa on the left and front than on back and right. Almost perfect, though! Almost!"


I realized I was totally OK with it. My likely future was one where I'd keep dismissing great lovers because I found some one or two dissatisfying things about them. Seems odd, but I found that future not-so-bad. There's always someone around for me to find slightly dissatisfying.

And that created a breakthrough for me. When it wasn't so bad to live a lifetime of finding each successive partner slightly dissatisfying, I got over my fear of being stuck with some one dissatisfying person. In other words, since what I'm going to be is dissatisfied with something, since I'm looking for what's not perfect, I can stop letting what's not perfect make any difference or mean anything. In embracing my habit of mind to be dissatisfied, I have the freedom to enjoy what is satisfying.

Joy and Heaven and Love...sweet freedom.


The simplicity of not requiring absolute perfection in order to experience the thrill, the love. Now there's freedom and joy, even fulfillment, in relishing the way there's just a wee more cocoa on the left and front. Sure, I could make another, but then maybe the next has a wee more cocoa on right...or clumps on top. Now that I know that even if the cocoa fell evenly and perfectly on the tiramisu's top and sides, I'd just notice that the marscapone wasn't perfectly lined top to bottom when it was sliced.

Thanks to that exercise, now I get to take a few moments to look the tiramisu over, appreciate the perfect imperfections and dig in to enjoy the delicious taste and texture.

----
On my love of Tiramisu...
Almost nine years ago to the day, I'd spent a day on my own hanging out around Jerusalem during a ten day trip through Israel and Egypt. I decided to dine at Italian restaurant called Cielo before whatever it was I did with the rest of the evening. I don't remember what I did after I left Cielo. I don't remember what I ate there or had to drink. All I remember of that night was the Tiramisu. The chef whipped tiny specks of divine chocolate into the marscapone topping. Just as one of these tiny flakes of chocolate would register and my mouth began to savor it, it'd be gone. And then another would do the same. Like a perfectly choreographed interpretive dance created for the tongue's delight. The recollection makes my eyes widen and mouth water. Many physical sensations come up with that memory!

Yeaaaaaaah. So now relationships are like enjoying the perfect Tiramisu over and over and over again.

The Thirty Days Experiment

What would it look like if I stopped worrying about what it looked like? What if instead of waiting till I had time to make it all sound just so or waiting till I felt I had something profoundly insightful to share, I simply shared? It'd look like the next 30 blogs.

I turn 43 in a few days. Forty-two was a great year, but I expect 43 to be even better. Of all the things that have happened during my 42nd trip around the sun, my favorite is moving from I to E. I took my first personality test in high school and consistently tested as an introvert. A few months ago I took the Jung-Enneagram test at www.similarminds.com and was surprised to see an "E" where an "I" had always been. ENTP--Extrovert, Intuitive, Thinking and Perceiving. I wasn't expecting that!

I'll be completing my eighth course with Landmark Education shortly. August 15th was the 1-year anniversary of taking the initial course--The Landmark Forum. What'd I get from all those classes?

When I started:
*I'd just taken on dating with purpose but mostly dismissed anyone I went out with after the first date unless they were quicker and dismissed me first.
*I showed up late most places.
*I rarely accepted without anxiety invitations to social gatherings.
*As much as I enjoy teaching, I spent a lot of energy analyzing how the school wasn't run properly, other teachers were too this or too that and the students didn't know how to do school.
*And even as I recognized that I had a gift for energy healing and work with crystals, only passed on Reiki as a healing tool to two people.

In this year, I created my ideal mate and allowed this relationship to flourish in new ways with ease and joy. I'm not yet someone who shows up early, but I am more likely to be only five minutes late if I'm late at all. I've signed up for a photography course that begins next week, something I've always wanted to do.

Of course, their's plenty that I thought I'd do while 43, but didn't. In October I repromised to myself that I'd get my finances on Quicken and use it religiously. Didn't! I'm taking that on again this week. I'll let you know how it goes.

I also planned to write my Luzca book, but haven't done much with it in five months. The almost-funny thing is that when I signed up for The Landmark Forum last August, it was to help me get my book written. In time, perhaps. In half the classes, I say I'm going to use what I learn to help me produce more writing...and then I transform some other area in my life.

They say a writer's home is never as clean as when they have to write. The prospect of writing this past year was incentive to work on everything else, transforming all hidden parts of my soul and spirit. Maybe that's as it should be.

Another blessing I'm celebrating on this anniversary of taking The Landmark Forum is the peace I now take with me everywhere, in every situation. Events, situation or people no longer cause me anxiety from my distaste of being an imperfect creature. I say yes to invitations effortlessly and easily, no worries about doing it wrong or being judged. That single result alone is priceless.

Here's my current fave: I am now a teaching Reiki Master. A few days ago I accepted my first paying client. A year ago I'd only passed Reiki energy healing along to my mother and a close friend who is also an acupuncturist and massage therapist. Now, I've attuned a dozen friends and family and am committing to taking it on as a business. For some crazy reason, I didn't want to charge anyone. Nevermind I found it valuable enough to spend money on getting reiki, I had some block around charging others. Considering the results I get from it, seems silly. Sure, at first glance, there's an admirable quality to not charging others if I don't need the income per se. But it also means I've no incentive to truly develop and share this remarkable tool for physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health.

Plus, there's something to be said for assigning value and having people exchange a representative amount of energy for what they receive. As great as the results I gained from Landmark, Reiki is what had me get off a variety of medications, heal unworkable patterns and drop 25 of the thirty pounds I lost over the last couple years. The results I gained in Landmark were atop the foundation of being energetically balanced.

Now I am ready to pass the gift of balanced energy and healing along to others in the form of classes for Reiki I, II and III. I'm working on the workbook I'll use and give to clients and creating a website.

I'm so excited.

Mmmmmmmm. Picture me stopping by God's office, peaking in with a smile from the doorway. "You were right, it is fun. Guess I got a little anxious there in my late twenties...Sure, 43 more sounds amazing!"

15 Books

A literary friend suggested compiling a list of 15 books as a facebook note. I did. After I completed it, I saw that it was a mirror of Who I AM. I'd like to share it. Some are fiction, some are reference, some are religious. All of them are philosophical. Mmmmmmm. The pleasure to be found in contemplating the experience of human Being.

1. Illusions--Richard Bach
2. Atlas Shrugged--Ayn Rand
3. The Fountainhead--Ayn Rand
4. The Prophet--Kahlil Gibran
5. The Little Prince--Antoine de Saint Exupery
6. One--Richard Bach
7. Ecclesiastes--The Bible
8. Essential Reiki--Diane Stein
9l. Feng Shui for Dummies--David Daniel Kennedy
9. Tipping Point--Malcolm Gladwell
10. Their Eyes Were Watching God--Zora Neale Hurston
11. Lyrics of Sunshine and Shadow --Eleanor Alexander
12. 1984 --George Orwell
13. A Course in Miracles --Foundation for Inner Peace
14, Siddhartha--Hermann Hesse
15. In Search of The Healing Energy--Mary Coddington

Re-reading the list reminds me what I stand for in the world.

Coincidental Love

I had the pleasure of being loved powerfully yesterday. It's such a circle. Love's power flows in an unpredictable, ever-expanding, unbreakable circle. A circle that flows in and out of heaven and earth.

I was in Los Angeles taking a Landmark Communication Course. My Aunt Janice was taking The Landmark Forum upstairs. We'd seen each other about a year ago at my Aunt Mildred's 50th wedding anniversary. Before that, almost a decade.

On Saturday I wrote a short love note to let her know I was thinking of her. Sometime Sunday afternoon, our breaks from our respective courses coincided and we had a chance to connect. She shared the unexpected impact of my note. She received it as pure love. She returned the same in the extended embrace when we saw each other.

And none of it would have been possible without my late great Aunt Lucinda. She's the one who came to me and inspired me to write a book (that's nowhere near done) which inspired me to look through an old family reunion book for authentic turn-of-the-20th century black names...which caused me to say yes to a chance invitation to spend part of Thanksgiving with my paternal relatives...which caused me to be at my aunt's 50th wedding anniversary and get reacquainted with Angela...who took a stand that I take The Landmark Forum. She took the stand when she said, "When you sign-up tell me when you're doing it. I'll come out and take it with you." From Delaware? "Yes!"

About a year later, five or six Landmark courses later...my Aunt Janice and I have the sweetest embrace in the lobby on father's day. I'm sure it was the best present my father, Robert, aka Bubba, could possibly have enjoyed from Heaven.


Funny thing about the universe. My maternal Aunt Linda and paternal Aunt Janice end up in the same seminar and in the same small group within the seminar.
Aunt Linda: "You're from Long Beach? What do you do?" She thought Janice looked familiar.
Aunt Janice: "I teach at Poly."
Aunt Linda: "No kiddng. My niece teaches in Long Beach. Her name is Robin..."
Aunt Janice: "That's MY niece!"

I love my ever growing life!

Helllllllooooooooooooo. Been a while since I posted. School is out next Friday. Yeaaaaaaaaah!!!!! Then there's more time. I'll be back online posting. I might even clear my inbox on all my email accounts down to zero. Might??? I WILL!!! I'm giddy with anticipation for a summer spent walking, chilling in my new infrared sauna and continuing to participate in Landmark Education programs. Me and my new honey are taking a couple of them together. More about that coming when I have more time to write. Wanted to share this email. It's verbatim as I sent it. It was to the members of one of the courses I'm taking about a breakthrough I had after we did our third weekend together--25 of the 150 or so that shared the third of four weekends spread out over 6 months. I'll be back

I said, “Good Morning.”
After a pause and faint gasp, the voice on the other end of the phone
responded with “You sound like God’s receptionist!”

That’s how the conversation with my buddy of 17 years started when I
called this morning on my way to work. He was the first person to hear
my voice the morning after disappearing BEING a failure.
We’ve talked almost every day since 1993 after a year or so of warming
up to one another. Sometimes it’s only five or ten minutes. Aside from
the times when either of us are on vacation, we must have a running
average of at least an hour a day…17 years of hearing my voice. He’s
heard my highs, my lows, my insights and my insanity. In fact, he knows
my voice so well, he can practically tell me what I’ve just eaten, whom
I’ve just spoken with or what I’d been doing from the first words I
speak over the phone. He’s off-the-charts intuitive, insightful and
colorfully articulate. He has me at hello.

The morning after the third weekend, after only “Good morning,” he heard
a new calm, a new peace, a new level of confidence and power that
inspired “You sound like God’s receptionist!” He likes to describe
things. Just in “Good Morning” he claims to have heard an “absence of
jibber jabber”. He’s the kind of person who hates when someone answers
“Fine” and hates more people who idly ask “How are you?” without
genuine interest.

Whatever we did this weekend caused how I occurred for him, down to the
timber and tone of my voice to shift.

That’s pretty doggone huge. I had asked several of you if you could
take my assisting agreement this evening. I have a scheduling conflict.

The conflict left me up-in-the-air and I was starting to be in this
space where there is confusion, anxiety and failure. Sometime last
night, things got clear. What I have is a prior commitment and a new
commitment. Being only one body, I’ll only be able to do one. There’s
no being failure. There’s only failure to be at one of the two places.
There was nothing left to do except perform. In this case performance
shows up as either successfully finding someone who will switch
agreements this week or making alternative arrangements for the new
commitment. I'm one person with demands to be in two places. There’s no confusion. I won't be at one or the other. A breakdown in performance.

That was last night.

This morning I sound like the kind of being who could handle the
incoming calls of angels, archangels, saints, spirits and human souls to boot.

In Action

Things are really moving in my life. Unlike my usual, this entry will be short. I'm ready to take a sea salt bath and then a nap. I just ran/walked my first 5K. A big deal for me. I've been thinking about doing 5k's for years. I signed up for one in early 2005. When I got there, it was super crowded. I was told two different locations to check-in, and neither of them were correct. After walking around for fifteen minutes, I got back in my car and drove the twenty minutes back home.

Now, having reached my ideal weight, I'm ready to focus on keeping fit and becoming fitter. I've always enjoyed running, but never make time to do it. It requires taking on a regimen of strength training so that my knees don't give me any trouble. Running has been one of those dreams that I hoped might materialize without action. This week I decided to take action. Several colleagues were running in the Seal Beach, CA 5k/10k. When I heard about it, I committed to it.

Running a 5k isn't a huge strain, but in terms of doing the things I really want to do instead of putting them off, quite an achievement. (Time: 38:11.5)

I'm also finally writing. Actually writing. Doing it. (by the way...if you're wondering if I know I write with incomplete sentences all the time...I do. I just love them. I know they're wrong. Guess its my rebellious side.)

My coach in the Introduction Leaders Program had me take on a writing structure that is producing results.

I write for 15 minutes, 3-4 times a day. It's perfect because 15 minutes isn't enough to let the editor voice kick in. Instead of staring at sentences and trying to make them perfect, I actually just focus on creating and letting the images and ideas flow from my head through my fingers and onto the screen.

It feels great it is to be in action.

A Graduation Note

On Monday, March 23rd, I completed my fourth Landmark Education course, and thus completed their "Curriculum for Living".

The following is an email I sent to my fellow participants:

This afternoon I was present to feeling accomplished.

Tomorrow is the conclusion of our Self Expression and Leadership Program, the end of the Curriculum for Living. Everyone who completes The Landmark Forum is a "graduate". And yet, it feels incredibly special, powerful, remarkable to have completed the Curriculum for Living.

When I was 22 I graduated from Stanford University. My mom insisted on seeing me walk across the stage. I have vague recollections of sitting outside. There were speakers talking. I'd taken a year off and wasn't sitting with my "friends". It was meaningless, and not in the Landmark way. Less than a decade later I was finishing law school. Once again, I hadn't gone straight through. I was eligible to "walk" in May with everyone else, but I didn't finish officially till December. I chose to sit in the crowd and watch everyone else. It just didn't seem like a big deal. And, importantly, I never invited anyone to either graduation. To be honest, I don't even remember if I had anyone besides my mom there with me when I sat in the audience at my UCLA Law graduation.

This afternoon I realized that if there were stands, I'd invite all my friends and family to come out and celebrate my completing the curriculum for living. This really is the first time I feel a course of study has been worth celebrating. This education has had a profound impact on my life. This is the first time I'm genuinely proud of Who I Am. (typing that line, tears fell)

If college or professional school had made promises; if they'd delivered on them the way Landmark delivers on theirs, perhaps I'd have comprehended the celebratory nature of a "graduation" earlier. Prior to this curriculum, I never completed anything in a way that was satisfying or empowering. And certainly, not with the level of integrity and intention that I now apply to every aspect of my life.

I am living life powerfully and living a life I love. I've done more in the last three weeks than I usually do in three months, maybe six. Even though there are still plenty areas in my life that could use greater integrity, I see the incredible difference in who I am since I began this curriculum with The Landmark Forum in August. My home is cleaner; repairs I'd put off for years are now completed; student work is graded; grades posted timely; my desk is cleaner...sometimes completely void of pending items instead of cluttered; my relationships are richer.

I won't be able to attend the following Monday's revelry due to a prior commitment to assist at the Breakthroughs Seminar. Just know that all of you--coaches, participants, Kathy and everyone who has assisted in our program--all of you have participated in generating my first taste of what it means to be truly empowered by a course of study.

Finally, a "graduation" that is incredibly meaningful even as it's meaningless, shared with people that matter to me.

Love and thanks to each of you.

Robin

Amazing...aka Finally

On Saturday morning I sent an outline of my novel, chapter by chapter to my coach in the Self Expression and Leadership Program.

I feel amazing. I'll have to blog more later, but I just needed to share the success.

Angels at Work

I love my life.

The universe constantly conspires to assist me with living the life I agreed to live, fulfilling the purposes for which I agreed to be born. Authoring. Creating.

Two wonderful things happened today. Both of them conversations that got me writing tonight. The first conversation was with a colleage, the second with a new friend I've made in my current Landmark course.

I can't recall what it was that got me talking about my current writing interests when taling with our site's newest teacher. I just remember that when the conversation was over I volunteered to send him a link to some back story for one of the upcoming writing projects. After a couple weeks with no link sent, he inquired.

I'm so grateful. He asked if I wanted some feedback. "Not criticism, just feedback, to talk about your writing." Of course I was nervous. I wanted to say, "Hey, this is just backdrop, not my "real" writing. OK, fine, what was wrong with it? I'd rather hear it from you than some stranger." My printer and that of another teacher's I normally use conspired to be inoperable at the same time, sending me straight into his classroom. He was the only other class on my end still open and occupied thirty minutes after the school day ended.

I got over my self-talk and doubt and asked, "So, what did you want to share about the link I sent?" He insisted he just wanted to provide an opportunity for me to talk about it if I was interested. I was. I did. Fifteen or twenty minutes later the story of a major character I named just last Friday spilled from my mouth.

Then, a few hours later, I finally called a friend that had sent an email checking in on me a couple days prior. She shared all these amazing coincidences happening in her life. More than that, she shared the incredible power she was experiencing as a result of our class. She is helping her husband take their business to a new level; she's working as a partner in a new store and simultaneously taking on transporting her elderly father to and from weekly doctor visits while he deals with a serious illness that he'll recover from shortly. In other words, she's making things happen and the magic of the universe is smoothing her path at every turn.

And I was soooooooo inspired. Then the conversation turned to me. She said some wonderful things about my writing and then gently but firmly let me know that the time for me to get out of my way is today...not tomorrow, not next week, not next year. When this powerful woman spoke, I listened.

And tonight...writing happened. Yeah!!!

I look forward to the day when saying "Hey, I wrote today" is about as unusual as saying, "Hey, I ate today."

I signed up for a twitter account tonight, too. I'm not using it yet, but will be doing so in the next week or two. I plan on updating my status with plenty of "wrote X today".

A Double Rainbow Day

I'm so excited. I came online a short while ago and discovered that a friend I hung out with earlier just contributed a wonderful post to my community project--a blog for and by energy healers. A perfect ending to a great day.

The original plan for the day was major house cleaning. Her call was welcome relief. We drove to the Fairfax district for a fabulous Ethiopian meal.

It was rainy off and on all day. Nothing like spending that kind of day in a quiet restaurant with a girlfriend. On the way home there was an amazing rainbow. So rarely do you get to see where it ends. It rested it's northern end smack in the middle of the Hollywood Hills. No kidding. And it was a full ark. That's a rare treat.

As I kept glancing away from the freeway to marvel at seeing the clear colors descending into the near distance, I heard "Look! A double rainbow." Yep, two rainbows, complete arks and clear colors, which appeared to be a couple miles apart at most. The clouds were spectacular and a full moon sat high above it all perfectly centered in the late afternoon sky.

It was another of those blessed moments of bliss that descend upon me more and more frequently. The meal was void of liquor, dessert or soda. Aside from the effect of the food itself, a drug-free transport into the realm of bliss. I love those moments when I get to straddle the world of the five senses and this other dimension where the all things meld into a singular pulsating field of connection to the energy of all that my eyes survey. It's like viewing a painting and then being transported into it, becoming one with the paint on every nanometer of the canvas.

Hard to say if the double rainbows cast a spell that I fell into or if the state of bliss manifested the rainbows. I'll know for sure when I get to heaven and learn if first came the chicken or the egg.

Creating Relationship

The possibility for my life that I am living into is that I am Creativity Powerfully Expressed. In my current Landmark course, Self Expression and Leadership Program, participants are assigned a coach--basically a life coach. The course's product is a project that participants create and make happen. My project: a blog for energy healers.

The project is just one channel for the true work of the course--continuing to create for yourself a life that leaves you enlivened and fulfilled. Everything in life comes up in the weekly one-on-one coaching conversations.

For me, this includes my interest in a committed relationship. My goodness. I have talked this talk for years. I talk it, but I haven't lived it...until now. I've been too afraid. My big fear has been that a relationship with any man will be confining, limiting--basically, the end of me. What a story!!! What a love-draining, life-limiting story to have told myself for years and years. And, yes, the short of it is that I based it on a couple bad experiences that I was loathe to let go. To credit every person, every experience and every event that helped me get over it would take a while, but suffice it to say that I give Landmark credit for its part, though I can't discount subliminal tapes, Reiki, crystal healing, past life work, prayer, fasting, friends, family, food, wine, bliss, long walks, sunsets, ocean, the Caribbean and a guy named...oh why start naming names.

But back to my coach and being Creativity Powerfully Expressed. On one of our first coaching calls of the three-and-a-half month course I was asked to name some life areas in which I could use coaching. Among them, I remember stating "I want to stop being wishy-washy about committing to commit to a relationship." I can see why my coach suggested I write up what an ideal relationship might look like. What a great tool to uncover where I was stopped.

After a bit of trepidation at making it real, I wrote up a little something. I shared it with him on a Sunday. At our class the following Monday evening, he asked me to read it to our small group of six. "I don't have it with me", I said. Whew!!

"No problem. I have it right here", my coach volunteered. Cell phones and their email storage capacity. A little self-conscious at the start, I read it aloud. The feedback was great. He then suggested I read to the class. No way!!! I just wasn't ready to call this person into being by speaking my description into existence.

Weeks passed.

This same insistent coach pestered me about sharing my description. I couldn't. I was still wishy-washy on committing to commit to wanting to bring a real man into my life. In my life, just thinking something has made things manifest, I certainly wasn't going to share it with a whole bunch of other people so they could add their thoughts and energy to it, too.

Did I mention the insistent, pestering nature of any good coach? Suffice it to say that I was pushed to consider what was in the way. What came up for the umpteenth time was that no matter what I'd written, I was still deathly afraid that being a committed relationship had to look like some traditional nothing-to-do-with-me version of what relationships are supposed to look like. I was stuck in a trap of believing that who I am and how I live is inherently problematic--Too independent, too this, too that.

My coach and I had this conversation during a long workday for our course. I went out during the break and thought it over. After a short while, I realized there was a single missing sentence that made all the difference. To my description I added one last line. Voila. I could now read my description to just about anyone. If they knew this person, if that person walked up to me and introduced himself, he'd be welcome...Now.

A few weeks later, I had an appoitnment with an energy healer to clear out some blocks I was confronting. She uses a very powerful technique that helps clear out old thought patterns and beliefs. I cleared out the idea that any relationship I entered had to fit some pre-existing, socially determined mold. I shared with her the description of the relationship I am now welcoming into my life. The following was within an email I received from her this evening:

"The description you wrote of your new special person was so beautiful. And it put into words what I have been wanting to say for my own relationship. I was wondering if you would be willing to share it with me? And I was also thinking that you might want to copyright it and share it as an article on your blog and on other blogs. I have a feeling it would get picked up and shared around the world!"

I am going to take her suggestion to heart.

The following is the description I created of the relationship, the person I am welcoming into my life:


Who he is for me is an intellectual, emotional, physical and spiritual companion. I am the same for him.

He is well-informed and well-read.
He:
-appreciates and enjoys various cultures, may be foreign born, and enjoys travel.
-has some area of life where he excels, maybe even near-genius, and I find that area fascinating but do not share his expertise.
-has developed his ideas about who he is and what works for him independent of societal or cultural norms
-has a strong desire to be in a committed, monogamous relationship
-lives a philosophy of life that while based on the spiritual foundations of all religions, is beyond religion
-believes in God, the idea of karma, and is open to discussions on the nature of truth, reality, existence, etc.
-lives a healthy lifestyle, all things in moderation
-is easy to talk to about nearly anything.

Physically, is a lot harder for me to describe beyond saying that he is healthy. He basically just needs to be in the general range of "normal". He is neither extremely small or large, not model gorgeous nor bordering on repulsive...in other words, doesn't stand out in a crowd, but upon a double take has a certain charm that is effortlessly inviting, calming. His sense of humor is a perfect combination of witty, dry and subtle. His ethnic origin doesn't matter because having the above qualities makes him perfect for me.

What he values most about me:
--being easy-going, laid back
--my independence
--my conversation and curiosity in a wide range of areas--philosophy, politics, economics, world cultures, spirituality, love, death...no topic off limits
--my love of concepts, ideas, the intangible and the inanimate
--my loyalty

Our mutual goal and what makes us a fantastic match is that we are both consumed with understanding our world and how we get along in it. We look at our relationship as a glorious laboratory to apply our best selves and inspire love in the other.

In furtherance of growing ourselves and our love, we allow wealth and prosperity into our lives individually and as a couple. We have an extensive family composed of family members, friends and our pets.

Not only am I supported, but Who I am and How I am is marveled at and celebrated. In return for such a gift, I support his wildest dreams coming true with my ability to inspire ceaseless miracles and joy. We just can't get enough of each other!
______


The "last" sentence that set me free, that now allows me to welcome whomever God has for me is no longer absolutely last. It was the sentence: "Not only am I supported, but Who I AM and How I AM is marveled at and celebrated." That sentence set me free. I am free to be loved as I exist at any given moment.

I MUST at this point thank one of my oldest buddies, Gilbert. There is no way that I could have come to know which words resonate with me best or even that words are a creative force that are trifled with at our peril, but played with and valued at our great reward.

The healer who suggested I share it validated that I am beginning to live my possibility--Creativity Powerfully Expressed. I'm sharing it because I truly believe that in your reading it, you add more power to it.

Please click on comment below if you have any thoughts or feedback. I'd love to hear. Thank you for adding your positive love and energy to the relationship I'm creating.

Not only am I supported, but WHO I AM and HOW I AM is marveled at and celebrated. YES!!

Update June 2009: I met this person on February 27th! We are currently in a committed relationship.

Born tonight

I’ve begun a fantastic project. Through the current Landmark course I’m taking, the Self Expression and Leadership Program, I am endeavoring to create a community blog for healers. energyexpressed.blogspot.com

As I finished one of the first entries, I was moved to offer a closing and sign my name.

Blessings,
Rahbin

My legal first name has been the initial R for years now, maybe a decade, maybe longer. The “Robin” just hasn’t felt right. Rabin hasn’t felt right, either. Tonight it felt so natural to sign my name in that spelling. I only noticed it after I’d typed it. So there it is.

My name’s birthday, January 13, 2009 @ 10:23pm. Rahbin.

I didn’t see any angels or other signs, but that’s my new name. 2009 is going to be amazing!