Split personality

Oh...hyperactive. I'm hyperactive. Why didn't someone explain to me that fast is a type of hyperactivity. The lack of picking up on this relationship, has contributed to the difficulty I had with managing my ADD without meds. I'm starting to get what it means for me to be hyperactive. Finally.

How often have I been totally frustrastred with someone because they didn't add up the evidence and see or act as quickly as I judged they ought to have been able? Half my "problems" at work are directly related to my mind moving quickly to implications and pointing out what, to me, seems obvious. The other half stems from the perception others have that I must be manipulating preferential treatment. I seize opportunities before other's have even had a chance to do the math and figure out that there was even an opportunity on the table. Let alone to fearlessly go after them.

This insight on speed, mental speed, my brand of hyperactivity, helps me understand the smart label a whole lot better. I'm no dummy, that I know. That, we all know. But, I think it is also true that what passes for "smart" is often just regular old thinking that takes place at a quickened pace.

The idea of speed as a form of hyperactivity helps me appreciate what happened with my book. I whipped the book out from idea to draft to publication, printing and home delivery over a mere nine months. The book wasn't genius, but it was done faster than most could do or imagine. And that was on the slow-down SSRI (anti-depressants). It wasn't genius, but it sure was fast.

If it was obvious to anyone else, everyone else, that hyperactive is a fancy word for fast...Well, see what I mean about fast being confused with smart in some instances.

So, I'm guessing no one will be surprised if I manage to post at a rate of nearly a blog a day without it taking anything away from my routine. In case you were wondering how I find the time. And don't be surprised if I try to squeeze out working on a book at the same time. Road Runner has nothing on me.


But there's another side to all this mind speed. A kicker that has often messed with my self-esteem, my self-value. Fast as it is, my mind is still slower than my soul which is slower still than my spirit. Only natural, I suppose. Yet, I experience the gap between what my soul and spirit know before my mind like I'm always behind, like I'm slower than everyone else.

Now I understand that the lag, the comparison, is only valid between different parts of me. There's no comparison with others. There's no competition with others. There's just my mind, of denser energetic matter, a step behind my higher frequency, less dense other bodies.

Now that I'm finally coming to mental grips with what hyperactive means in my life, I can begin to appreciate the possibility that though my mind lags behind my soul, lags behind my spirit, my mind is still moving pretty fast.

The worse was the way I'd judge myself as slow. Believe it or not. One day I'll try to explain what it is like to have a heart that leaps while the mind is still laying about unaware the heart has left the building. Oh wait, you probably know that one too.

Then there are the times my spirit goes off dancing, but my mind...lost and confused, feeling deaf to the rhythm of life. No wonder I'm so fascinated with "signs." Under the delusion that my mind is so slow, I'd look anywhere and everywhere for a clue.

I had another experience Friday night of one of my bodies getting up to get something to eat and watch tv last night. I'd been fasting all day. I didn't even know it till a friend I took to the airport pointed it out.

Actually, he asked me about it. "Have you been fasting today?" Being highly in tune, intuitive, he manages to feel the change in his world, whenever I fast. He used to ask me to warn him so he could see the blessings coming instead of getting blind-sided. He'd gotten an out-of-the-blue call from an acquaintance he knows through me that day. Something about the random nature, and I assume the blessed nature of the call...he recognized it as the kind of blessings he always seems to get when I go on a fast. When he asked, I was knocked over when I realized that, indeed, I had been "fasting". If it's possible to "fast without the intention.

When I fast, there's rarely the intention on my part to bless him, mind you, just the way it works. Well, speaking of lack of intention, it wasn't my intention to fast in the first place.

My mind knew nothing about it. When I'd asked my body what to bring for lunch that day (it was Friday), I got nothing, so I took nothing. And I wasn't hungry. (Though I did nibble two crackers from a colleague because of needing something to do while we sat around talking...like I said, I didn't know, at the time, I was "fasting.")

Later, by the way, after dropping this buddy off at the airport, my plans to hang out with another friend were nixed. The trouble the universe went through to keep that date from happening is a story in itself (but as I'm ready to have my tea with the morning paper, you are spared the details).

Split personality, I guess. Body fasts but doesn't tell the mind. Body gets the universe to forfeit dinner for me, and my mind is the last to know. And I'm blogging how fast my mind is supposed to be?

Bottom line is my body was serious about that fast. No dinner, no popcorn even. I went off to bed ok with it. I wasn't at all hungry. My body decided that midnight was the end of the unannounced fast. I dreamt I got up and made a snack and went to turn on the tv.

I was pressing the button to turn on the tv and nothing would happen. I returned to bed. Then my physical body started getting a migraine and I knew I needed to get that body up and out of bed to actually do the work of making the snack and turning on the tv. Pretty cool stuff for me.

I only fully appreciated that it was another instance of a subtle body moving ahead of my physical one when I was sitting in front of the tv with my popcorn and soymilk smoothie and remembered I'd just "dreamt" the very same, the exact same, behavior...oh my goodness...so that's what deja vu is...

The dream visit to the kitchen and sitting to watch tv had indeed already happened. Just without my physical body, without physical awareness. (A similar instance blogged halfway through http://masterrabin.blogspot.com/2007/03/email-that-began-blog.html)

In my oh-so-high-school vernacular...Coooll!!

I'm too fast for my own self. I got up to eat and watch tv without me. Only came back for the rest of me when I couldn't get the physical food and the physical television to cooperate without the physical me present. Thank goodness for that.

Fast. So that's what the ADD diagnosis meant. I went right onto the dulling drugs before I'd taken the time to wonder. I can work with fast.

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Here's a link if you're curious about these different bodies, the subtle bodies http://www.reiki.nu/treatment/aura/aura.html)

The Subtle Body
Behind the obvious physical being is a series of more subtle vehicles of consciousness, layers of bodies. (diagrams/info at http://www.throughenergy.com/The%20human%20energy%20body.htm and http://www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~duerden/bod99.htm)