Moving on

This weekend I learned from a close buddy that his brother died unexpectedly.
she said he complained of a chest pain
went for a bike ride
and the next thing she knew
she got a phone call from his girlfriend's son
that he was in the morgue
that she could not claim the body cuz she was not his wife
and some other stuff like that
she knew no details whatsoever

except that he was dead.......boom


And that started a round of reflections that combined with my 42-day meditation program to produce the following clarity. Rather than re-think and re-type, here's the gist from an email:

I'm able to be much clearer that I don't have a desire to grow old in Los Angeles area. I've talked about Pismo and the Caribbean for years now. And it has all just been blah-blah-blah someday and maybe. All talk, no commitment, no clarity, no certainty.

Alfred's passing combined with your moving up North and all the work I'm doing to get in touch with ME and egoless wanting and Heaven on Earth and believing that my grandest dreams can come true...it all adds up to something.

I get along just fine here. I've got an easy life. It's full of peace and freedom. And yet, there's better, there's more. I'm confronting, consciously and deliberately and persistently, residual doubts of being worthy of my wildest dreams and any guilt issues that would make me question daring to want the more and better.

Finally, I can just admit the undeniability of wanting more. Thanks to Alfred checking out 1-2-3, I'm reminded that it's all just fun and games anyway. We're in, we're out. While I'm in, why not live somewhere that makes my soul sing???

(the brother)left town his way...

Thanks again, for pointing the flashlight to the exit sign. "You don't have to hang around here" is what his exit says to me.