Almost There

2008 peeks out and I can see, as clearly as the next person, the rays of its dawn on the horizon.

I've never been one for major resolutions. Yet, it's impossible not to reflect and come up with vague notions of what might be better behaviors or objectives when the calendars change. Not that I've ever needed a particular occasion to decide I want to up and change in an effort to make my life better, richer and most importantly, more fun, more peaceful and more joyous.

This year's different. I have an interest in recognizing, appreciating and honoring the upcoming calendar change. It's an undeniable urge. Up until a few days ago I was in a bit of funk about it all because, as clear as it was that things were changing, that I was changing, I couldn't seem to grasp its amorphous form.

It was bothersome to have such a drive to set new goals for 2008 while at an utter loss to identify what those goals might be. In a society that specializes in creating want, here I was not wanting. Worse than weird, I felt wrong for my mental state of wantlessness.

I don't have everything, that's for sure. I've got plenty to dream over, that oceanfront Caribbean condo for starters. But the reality is that even there, to claim it as a true want is a stretch. Do I really want to be responsible for the upkeep of a distant property, checking on it regularly, paying for maintenance while I live elsewhere? Why do all that when I can afford to rent by the day or week what I need when I have the time and interest to be there. I just can't get into owning for owning's sake, participating in the massive consumerist unconcsiousness that continues to wreak havoc on people, nations and our planet.

Not to say that I am not equally twisted up in the web of wanting, it's just that on some occasions, when the light hits an area just so, the glaring stupidity of wanting just because there's something out there I don't have becomes inescapable.

With that on my mind, setting materialistic goals has become all but impossible. At least, for now. I won't deny that it helps that I've reached material goals I didn't expect to years ahead. I'm not rich. I'm not near retirement either. I still work for a living. I still need to work to live.

As it happens though, I mostly love my job. I find it fun and don't hate going and even feel slightly overpaid for the privilege. Maybe I just need a healthier self-esteem so that I'll know that being satisfied with where I live, what I drive, where I go and what I can do just isn't good enough.

Beyond consumerism and materialism there's still plenty I could want. I can squeeze into a size 8, but it's still too snug. I've already known and loved a few soul mates. I could ask for another, but I haven't convinced myself that I'd do anything differently with the next than I've done with the former. In fact, the formers are still friends, so maybe I'm not done with them yet anyway. I haven't learned how to drop all the love just because the relationships changed.

I suffer from a clear case of contentment. I don't know what to do about it. I can only hope it doesn't become so endemic that my resolutions for 2009 end up looking about the same as those I'm setting for 2008.

Be it resolved that I will enter 2008 fully aware that I am in the thick of casting off old skin and putting on a new one.

Be it resolved that I will leave 2008 even happier, healthier and more fulfilled than I entered.

That leaves room for growth and change and maybe a healthy dose of wanting.